Hey everybody. Lots going on as usual and I thought it might be about time for an update. First of all, I have joined the masses of people who tweet or are twits or however you want to describe it, and I now have a Twitter account. I figure my life is crazy and I have funny and insane things that happen that could make for fun tweets, and it could help people keep up with me some. So feel free to follow me - my username is TiffLynne45 and hopefully soon I'll figure out how to use it and twitty tweets will follow!
On the thyroid front, it's been an interesting month or so. My surgery was last July and my levels are still all over the place. A little over a month ago, my levels tested really really low. So the doctor put me on a higher dose of synthroid, and after taking that for about 3 weeks or so, my levels spiked really high. I didn't sleep for four or five straight nights, I felt like I was on speed, and my hands literally started shaking. It was crazy. Obviously the dosage was too high, so we've settled on the dose in the middle of the previous two. It's been a couple of weeks now on that dose, and things are better. My body is slowly recovering, but in coming down off the high levels, I have had some struggles with feeling really depressed. Some days I'm up, some days I'm down....each morning when I wake up, I'm not sure how I'll feel. It's amazing. :) It has not helped to be dealing with all of this physical stuff in the midst of the madness that is currently my life. However, God is also using it to teach me lots because there are times when my coping skills don't work at all, which is forcing me to confront and deal with even deeper levels of healing. I would appreciate prayer though for my levels to balance out and us to be able to find a dosage that works with my body.
Tomorrow is the last day of March, and this means multiple things to me. First of all, I only have about 4 weeks of this semester left to go, and I have a TON of work to do. But wait - I only have about 4 weeks left in this semester!!! That means that I have survived the first three months of this working/school attending/internship madness. It also means that only summer and fall semesters stand in the way of graduation. The light at the end of the tunnel grows ever brighter, even when I'm not sure sometimes how I'll survive. Time is flying by though, even in the madness, and while I can't wait to be done with school, I also want to make sure I don't miss all of the opportunities I have to learn as much as possible.
Speaking of learning....since I started my internship in January, I have learned soooo much about people and myself and life and God. Sometimes it can be very overwhelming because there are so many things happening that I feel like I don't have time to process it all. I mentioned in a previous post that my word for this year was "brave". Sometimes I'm sorry I chose that word, but God knew I needed to. :) Already in three months, there have been ample opportunities to practice being brave, and I'm sure more will follow. In my last post, I talked about hitting a wall as I was being confronted with people's pain and feeling very overwhelmed. That stage of my journey has pretty much passed. Don't get me wrong - there are still days when I feel completely overwhelmed, like I have no idea what I'm doing and don't know what to say to the person sitting in front of me. But I know with more certainty now that I am exactly where God wants me to be and that this is the career for me. Instead, the stage I currently find myself in on this journey towards becoming a counselor is one of humility. I cannot tell you how humbling it is for another person to sit across from you and share things about themselves that they've never told another soul. Do you know what kind of courage that takes? I have found myself processing so much about this - what does it mean to share our stories? What does it mean to live authentically with others, being open, vulnerable, trusting? Why do we hide? What are we afraid of? As I've sat with my clients, I've realized that as they share their stories, they are speaking my fears out loud. They're saying things I'm afraid to say. They're telling me things or answering questions I ask them that I might not ever say in my own counseling. Why is that?
Granted, it's easier to share parts of our stories with strangers. After all, there's no emotional connection, and we can just walk away and never see the person again if we don't want to. But watching this process play out has forced me to confront my own lack of bravery. Because I have been hurt by others, I'm afraid to be that open - even with the people that I know love me the most. And yet how much am I missing because I don't allow people to prove that they're different? What does being brave look like for me?
Nikki and I watched the movie The Help not too long ago. Amazing movie. I loved what the character at the end of the movie said... "No one had ever asked me what it felt like to be me. Once I told the truth about that, I felt free." And that is what I have witnessed so far in my internship journey. As people share what it's like to be them - as they are honest about who they are and confront what they've walked through and struggle with, freedom begins to grow. Hope blooms. Isn't that what we all want? Isn't that what God has created us for? So while I had an idea of what being brave meant and how that might play out in my life in 2012, that idea is being transformed. As I sit with others and experience their courage, I am being challenged to express the same courage in my own journey/story. The question is will I? Will you? May our desire for true freedom and connection with God and others be greater than our fears of being known, of being rejected or abandoned. Love wins. :)
Friday, March 30, 2012
Wednesday, February 15, 2012
Prayers!
Hi everyone. I have officially made it through six weeks of counseling real people as a student intern. And it has only taken me until this sixth week to absolutely hit a wall. Due to confidentiality and lots of important laws and rules, I cannot share specific stories with you. You wouldn't want me to anyway. I have learned a few things in this time that I thought I'd share with you. First of all, it's one thing to go to class and hear professors teach and have a few role plays and read stories in a book. But real people are just that - absolutely real. And their stories and pain and heartbreak and trauma are real. When those people sit across from you and share their pain with you, there are two things that come to mind - absolute honor that they would somehow trust you enough, even though they don't know you, to share their story with you AND complete thankfulness that I am not God, nor do I have to be. Because here is the reality - counselors can't fix it. Only God can ultimately transform, redeem and heal. I can't make another person choose well. I can't fix their life or make their problems go away. I can't carry their burden for them. All I can do is walk with them as they take the journey to their healing and freedom.
I think this is one of the hardest things I've ever done. I'm exhausted in every way. I feel completely inadequate and like perhaps I should choose a different career. And yet I also believe God has called me to this and equipped me for it. But wow....sometimes there are just really no words.
I'm sharing this with you all for this specific reason - I would covet your prayers at this time in my life. While people might think to pray for pastors, we don't often think of counselors as being on the front lines. But trust me - we are. I am coming face to face with evil and the consequences of sin. And it's tough. Sad. Heartbreaking. Please pray that God will give me wisdom, that I will know when to speak and when to be silent, that I will be able to sit with another person in their pain and be present with them but leave it behind when they leave the office. Pray for energy and hope and that I will remember that God really does redeem and restore and bring beauty from ashes. Thank you for sharing this journey with me!
I think this is one of the hardest things I've ever done. I'm exhausted in every way. I feel completely inadequate and like perhaps I should choose a different career. And yet I also believe God has called me to this and equipped me for it. But wow....sometimes there are just really no words.
I'm sharing this with you all for this specific reason - I would covet your prayers at this time in my life. While people might think to pray for pastors, we don't often think of counselors as being on the front lines. But trust me - we are. I am coming face to face with evil and the consequences of sin. And it's tough. Sad. Heartbreaking. Please pray that God will give me wisdom, that I will know when to speak and when to be silent, that I will be able to sit with another person in their pain and be present with them but leave it behind when they leave the office. Pray for energy and hope and that I will remember that God really does redeem and restore and bring beauty from ashes. Thank you for sharing this journey with me!
Saturday, January 7, 2012
2012 - A Year of Brave Adventure!
Greetings everyone! Happy 2012 to all of my family and friends. I CANNOT believe that it is already 2012. It is true that time flies, and it flies faster the older you get. Anyway, for those of you who have known me for awhile, you know I tend to post some sort of "reflective" blog at the beginning of a new year. I like to look back on what God has done in the year that was just completed, as well as look forward to an unknown adventure. There is lots to discuss from this past year and in what promises to be a crazy year ahead. So here goes!
FAMILY
I love my family, and I am very thankful that we all got to be together over the holidays for a few days. We are spread out in 4 states - I'm in Florida, Matthew is in Georgia, my parents are in Tennessee, and Michael & Bekah are now in Texas. It's been a year since we were all together all at the same time, and we had a great time exploring my parents' new town. We have always been a family that was very interactive, and our time in Nashville was no different. Here is a sampling of what we did together...
We decorated our own Christmas ornaments with paint and straws and lots and lots of laughter. They didn't exactly turn out very well but we learned some very valuable lessons that we will use for next year!
We roasted hotdogs (and s'mores!) in the fireplace and had a fantastically yummy dinner! Pa was a great sport and cooked most of them for us.
We created a gingerbread house, and this was the first time Bekah had ever done this. It was lots of fun!
The finished product:
Please note the fence made out of twizzlers. My dad spent lots of time creating this, and made it look like a real picket fence. Very impressive!
We got to go to the Bluebird Cafe together, which was really cool. A lot of famous musicians have gotten their start there and it was fun to sit there and enjoy hearing songwriters play "in the round". We also took some fun photos in a giant rocking chair. Here are a few of those...
We did take a few real family pictures on our last day together. I will post those soon, but they need to be edited first. All in all, it was a great visit, and such a blessing to be able to relax and spend time with some of my favorite people. This year promises to be a big year for us all as there are a lot of big decisions to be made, and I look forward to seeing what God has in store for each person in my family.
FRIENDS
This fall marked the third year that Nikki and I have been roommates here in Orlando. 2011 held lots of adventures for us as individuals and as friends. We even had surgery at the same time this year! We also got to go to Greece together, and not only was that trip a blast, but it became life-changing for us both as it became a marker for us to continue growing and healing in big ways. God has been so gracious to allow our stories and lives to intersect, and I am so thankful for her and her friendship. 2012 promises to be a year filled with new adventures, and I can't wait to see what happens. It's such a blessing to have a sister to share all of the adventures with!
I have also enjoyed getting to know and bonding with some of the people in my cohort at school. I could not be on this journey without them to share it with, and you all know who you are! :) Love you and can't wait to see what this year holds.
Finally in the friend, or somewhat "more than friend" category, the end of 2011 brought an unexpected twist in this area. Almost 2 years ago, I met a guy at an interview weekend for another school here in the Orlando area that I was looking at for my counseling degree. He ended up going to school there and I did not, but we stayed in touch and have enjoyed building a friendship over the last year-and-a-half or so once he moved down here for school. I don't know what God has in store for us, but we are enjoying spending time together and getting to know each other more. He's awesome - loves God, gets it, understands what it means to have a story redeemed, has a great sense of humor, and he appreciates my unique "Tiffany-ness". I would appreciate your prayers for us both as we navigate the path God has before us. And yes to all my "moms" out there - I'll certainly keep you posted! :)
SCHOOL
I can hardly believe I am typing this, but God willing, 2012 will be the year that I graduate with my Master's degree! I am sooo ready to be done with school, but I know this year is going to be incredible, and I'm looking forward to all that it holds. I have learned so much in the last year and one semester. God has done remarkable healing in my life and is continuing to transform me from the inside out. And believe it or not, my student internship begins MONDAY! Oh.my.gosh. Just typing that makes me get a little nervous! :) I actually have my first clients scheduled on Wednesday of this next week. Yes, I'm nervous, but I am also ready. I'm ready to put into practice all that I have learned. I'm ready to use the unique ways God has made and gifted me, and I'm ready for Him to use me in whatever way He sees fit for whomever He brings in my door. Please pray for me. And pray for my first clients as I learn exactly how to counsel. :) I do not take any of this lightly. I believe every person's story is worth hearing and deserves honor, respect and dignity. It is my prayer that I will not lose sight of the holy ground that I am on each time someone shares their soul with me (hence the creation of the picture below I made so that I won't forget!). And I pray God will direct each word I speak so that I can be an instrument of healing as I walk with people through their pain. I'll keep you posted as this next chapter starts - I think it's going to be pretty life-changing!
THE MADNESS
In order to hopefully still pay bills, go to school and do the necessary hours for my internship, I am going to be working 6 days a week beginning on Monday. I can't think too far ahead or I would get very overwhelmed with the thought of all I have to do and all I have to balance. I would truly appreciate your prayers as I enter this next chapter. I obviously want to give my all to everything I am doing, and there are obviously things I have to do. In that, however, I still want to live life. I need to take care of myself, get rest, and have fun every now and then! It's not going to be easy, and I'm thankful for people in my life who will not let me get away with not being balanced. But I don't want to miss what God has for me each day, even in the madness. Prayers for peace, strength, endurance, and joyful abandon are greatly appreciated!
WORD FOR THE YEAR
In 2011, my word for the year was "love". I knew it was important for me to learn to love myself, exactly how God has made me, so that I can love Him and others well. God has done amazing work in my life in this area in the last year, and it is a work that will continue. My word for 2012 is "brave". There are many reasons for this, but one reason is that there are a lot of things God revealed to me in this last year, and now it's time for me to actually choose to live them out. That requires courage and bravery to be vulnerable, real, open and authentic. I also need to be brave as I begin seeing clients and then personally as I continue to grow and move forward in a journey of "more than friends". :) I believe God will be faithful to meet me in this area this year, but you can pray for my bravery as this new chapter begins. I can't wait to see what is in store and how God continues His work. I might not have a lot of time for updates, but I'll do my best. Know that each of you mean so much to me, as all of my life and experiences have led me to this time and place, for this purpose. May 2012 be a year of growth, hope, and transformation as you follow God wherever He leads you. Much love to you all!
FAMILY
I love my family, and I am very thankful that we all got to be together over the holidays for a few days. We are spread out in 4 states - I'm in Florida, Matthew is in Georgia, my parents are in Tennessee, and Michael & Bekah are now in Texas. It's been a year since we were all together all at the same time, and we had a great time exploring my parents' new town. We have always been a family that was very interactive, and our time in Nashville was no different. Here is a sampling of what we did together...
We decorated our own Christmas ornaments with paint and straws and lots and lots of laughter. They didn't exactly turn out very well but we learned some very valuable lessons that we will use for next year!
We roasted hotdogs (and s'mores!) in the fireplace and had a fantastically yummy dinner! Pa was a great sport and cooked most of them for us.
We created a gingerbread house, and this was the first time Bekah had ever done this. It was lots of fun!
The finished product:
Please note the fence made out of twizzlers. My dad spent lots of time creating this, and made it look like a real picket fence. Very impressive!
We got to go to the Bluebird Cafe together, which was really cool. A lot of famous musicians have gotten their start there and it was fun to sit there and enjoy hearing songwriters play "in the round". We also took some fun photos in a giant rocking chair. Here are a few of those...
We did take a few real family pictures on our last day together. I will post those soon, but they need to be edited first. All in all, it was a great visit, and such a blessing to be able to relax and spend time with some of my favorite people. This year promises to be a big year for us all as there are a lot of big decisions to be made, and I look forward to seeing what God has in store for each person in my family.
FRIENDS
This fall marked the third year that Nikki and I have been roommates here in Orlando. 2011 held lots of adventures for us as individuals and as friends. We even had surgery at the same time this year! We also got to go to Greece together, and not only was that trip a blast, but it became life-changing for us both as it became a marker for us to continue growing and healing in big ways. God has been so gracious to allow our stories and lives to intersect, and I am so thankful for her and her friendship. 2012 promises to be a year filled with new adventures, and I can't wait to see what happens. It's such a blessing to have a sister to share all of the adventures with!
I have also enjoyed getting to know and bonding with some of the people in my cohort at school. I could not be on this journey without them to share it with, and you all know who you are! :) Love you and can't wait to see what this year holds.
Finally in the friend, or somewhat "more than friend" category, the end of 2011 brought an unexpected twist in this area. Almost 2 years ago, I met a guy at an interview weekend for another school here in the Orlando area that I was looking at for my counseling degree. He ended up going to school there and I did not, but we stayed in touch and have enjoyed building a friendship over the last year-and-a-half or so once he moved down here for school. I don't know what God has in store for us, but we are enjoying spending time together and getting to know each other more. He's awesome - loves God, gets it, understands what it means to have a story redeemed, has a great sense of humor, and he appreciates my unique "Tiffany-ness". I would appreciate your prayers for us both as we navigate the path God has before us. And yes to all my "moms" out there - I'll certainly keep you posted! :)
SCHOOL
I can hardly believe I am typing this, but God willing, 2012 will be the year that I graduate with my Master's degree! I am sooo ready to be done with school, but I know this year is going to be incredible, and I'm looking forward to all that it holds. I have learned so much in the last year and one semester. God has done remarkable healing in my life and is continuing to transform me from the inside out. And believe it or not, my student internship begins MONDAY! Oh.my.gosh. Just typing that makes me get a little nervous! :) I actually have my first clients scheduled on Wednesday of this next week. Yes, I'm nervous, but I am also ready. I'm ready to put into practice all that I have learned. I'm ready to use the unique ways God has made and gifted me, and I'm ready for Him to use me in whatever way He sees fit for whomever He brings in my door. Please pray for me. And pray for my first clients as I learn exactly how to counsel. :) I do not take any of this lightly. I believe every person's story is worth hearing and deserves honor, respect and dignity. It is my prayer that I will not lose sight of the holy ground that I am on each time someone shares their soul with me (hence the creation of the picture below I made so that I won't forget!). And I pray God will direct each word I speak so that I can be an instrument of healing as I walk with people through their pain. I'll keep you posted as this next chapter starts - I think it's going to be pretty life-changing!
THE MADNESS
In order to hopefully still pay bills, go to school and do the necessary hours for my internship, I am going to be working 6 days a week beginning on Monday. I can't think too far ahead or I would get very overwhelmed with the thought of all I have to do and all I have to balance. I would truly appreciate your prayers as I enter this next chapter. I obviously want to give my all to everything I am doing, and there are obviously things I have to do. In that, however, I still want to live life. I need to take care of myself, get rest, and have fun every now and then! It's not going to be easy, and I'm thankful for people in my life who will not let me get away with not being balanced. But I don't want to miss what God has for me each day, even in the madness. Prayers for peace, strength, endurance, and joyful abandon are greatly appreciated!
WORD FOR THE YEAR
In 2011, my word for the year was "love". I knew it was important for me to learn to love myself, exactly how God has made me, so that I can love Him and others well. God has done amazing work in my life in this area in the last year, and it is a work that will continue. My word for 2012 is "brave". There are many reasons for this, but one reason is that there are a lot of things God revealed to me in this last year, and now it's time for me to actually choose to live them out. That requires courage and bravery to be vulnerable, real, open and authentic. I also need to be brave as I begin seeing clients and then personally as I continue to grow and move forward in a journey of "more than friends". :) I believe God will be faithful to meet me in this area this year, but you can pray for my bravery as this new chapter begins. I can't wait to see what is in store and how God continues His work. I might not have a lot of time for updates, but I'll do my best. Know that each of you mean so much to me, as all of my life and experiences have led me to this time and place, for this purpose. May 2012 be a year of growth, hope, and transformation as you follow God wherever He leads you. Much love to you all!
Friday, December 9, 2011
Merry Christmas?
As I sit here typing this blog, I'm watching A Charlie Brown Christmas, where little kids are declaring that Christmastime is here, our apartment is decorated for Christmas, the trees are lit....and yet I find myself identifying with Charlie Brown and not feeling like Christmas is really here. I work in a mall, and I can't help but ponder what Christmas has turned into and is really all about. We hear Christmas songs that tell us that Christmas is the most wonderful time of the year, and yet is it really? If it is, someone sure forgot to tell all the people who are shopping in the mall. Without fail, the time between Thanksgiving and Christmas seems to bring out the worst in people. I see more hostile and rude customers in these six weeks than in the entire rest of the year combined.
Let me give you an example of the most fantastic ways that people behave. Today I was finishing up helping some lovely ladies who were very kind when a man reached his arm across the counter and shook his cup in my face because he wanted a refill. Thankfully in that moment I was able to maintain a high level of control and he is still alive today (and I still have a job). But really? I wanted to break his arm! :) What has our society embraced that Christmas brings about such stress and meanness?
I find myself at times wanting to ask the customers why they are shopping for people if it makes them so miserable and stressed out. Since it would be somewhat poor form to ask my customers that, I will ask all of us instead. What does Christmas mean to us? This blog is actually not meant to be a rant against consumerism or commercialism, although working in a mall does give me ample evidence to rant against both. Rather, my question is this: what does giving someone a gift mean to us? Or receiving a gift? When Jesus was born in Bethlehem, his parents received some visitors. The wise men brought very expensive gifts, and while I'm sure Mary appreciated their kindness, I find it most fascinating her response to the shepherds that is recorded in scripture. The shepherds had no tangible gift to offer - they were poor. But they told Mary and Joseph about how they had seen a multitude of angels who had declared to them that their Savior had just been born. As they shared their story and all they had seen and heard, that was what Mary treasured and pondered in her heart. That was what she never forgot. What is true of us this Christmas? Whether we give or receive physical gifts, what do we treasure and what do we ponder in our heart? What of ourselves are we offering others? What will we remember from this Christmas? And what will we forget?
Since Thanksgiving, I can count on one hand the number of people who have told me Merry Christmas as I helped them. Because it happens so rarely, it always stands out. We are so consumed with ourselves and stuff that we don't even see the very people who are serving us. So on behalf of those of us making it possible for you to Christmas shop - be kind this holiday season. Take the time to realize we are people and would love to receive kindness and a smile. We're tired too and we're doing our best to serve you well. And if shopping for Christmas gifts turns you into the grinch, perhaps it's time to reevaluate what it is we're doing and why we're doing it.
In the meantime, pray for me. We still have a couple of weeks before Christmas, and the madness just intensifies each day. I want my treatment of guests - even towards those who are rude - to convey grace and peace and Christ because I am who I am thanks to the gift God gave for me so many Christmases ago. But if one more person shakes a cup in my face.... :) Love you all and wishing you a truly magnificent Christmas season!
Let me give you an example of the most fantastic ways that people behave. Today I was finishing up helping some lovely ladies who were very kind when a man reached his arm across the counter and shook his cup in my face because he wanted a refill. Thankfully in that moment I was able to maintain a high level of control and he is still alive today (and I still have a job). But really? I wanted to break his arm! :) What has our society embraced that Christmas brings about such stress and meanness?
I find myself at times wanting to ask the customers why they are shopping for people if it makes them so miserable and stressed out. Since it would be somewhat poor form to ask my customers that, I will ask all of us instead. What does Christmas mean to us? This blog is actually not meant to be a rant against consumerism or commercialism, although working in a mall does give me ample evidence to rant against both. Rather, my question is this: what does giving someone a gift mean to us? Or receiving a gift? When Jesus was born in Bethlehem, his parents received some visitors. The wise men brought very expensive gifts, and while I'm sure Mary appreciated their kindness, I find it most fascinating her response to the shepherds that is recorded in scripture. The shepherds had no tangible gift to offer - they were poor. But they told Mary and Joseph about how they had seen a multitude of angels who had declared to them that their Savior had just been born. As they shared their story and all they had seen and heard, that was what Mary treasured and pondered in her heart. That was what she never forgot. What is true of us this Christmas? Whether we give or receive physical gifts, what do we treasure and what do we ponder in our heart? What of ourselves are we offering others? What will we remember from this Christmas? And what will we forget?
Since Thanksgiving, I can count on one hand the number of people who have told me Merry Christmas as I helped them. Because it happens so rarely, it always stands out. We are so consumed with ourselves and stuff that we don't even see the very people who are serving us. So on behalf of those of us making it possible for you to Christmas shop - be kind this holiday season. Take the time to realize we are people and would love to receive kindness and a smile. We're tired too and we're doing our best to serve you well. And if shopping for Christmas gifts turns you into the grinch, perhaps it's time to reevaluate what it is we're doing and why we're doing it.
In the meantime, pray for me. We still have a couple of weeks before Christmas, and the madness just intensifies each day. I want my treatment of guests - even towards those who are rude - to convey grace and peace and Christ because I am who I am thanks to the gift God gave for me so many Christmases ago. But if one more person shakes a cup in my face.... :) Love you all and wishing you a truly magnificent Christmas season!
Monday, October 31, 2011
Oil In The Eye!
So today was an interesting day. I was at work, helping make the chicken so we could open and serve our lovely guests. The regular filets were finished cooking, and I was opening the deep fryer to remove them when some hot oil popped up and hit me directly in my right eye. This is not something I would suggest you try. :) I was able to go have my eye checked, and it turns out that there was damage done to the surface of my eye, but the damage is just surface level and it wasn't too bad. I have some antibiotic drops to put in it and will follow up with an ophthalmologist to make sure everything is fine, but it appears that it will all be okay. It was kind of a crazy day, but I'm thankful everything turned out how it did. I know it could have been much worse. My eye is sore now and feels kind of tight, like how your skin feels if it gets burned, but it's not too bad.
Since today is Halloween, I shall post a picture of me in my favorite Halloween costume. Someday I will wear this again! :) I might actually go put it on now and trick-or-treat at my own apartment. I'm sure Nikki won't mind!! Hope you all have a good week this week - can't believe November starts tomorrow!!
Since today is Halloween, I shall post a picture of me in my favorite Halloween costume. Someday I will wear this again! :) I might actually go put it on now and trick-or-treat at my own apartment. I'm sure Nikki won't mind!! Hope you all have a good week this week - can't believe November starts tomorrow!!
Wednesday, October 19, 2011
On Being Halfway Through and Homework
Greetings friends and family! I haven't written a blog in a very long time. Since I had surgery 3 months ago to be exact. We'll get to that in a minute. But first, I would like to announce that when I take my final in my substance abuse class tomorrow night, I will be exactly halfway finished with my master's degree! I will just have the second half of this semester and next year to go! I'm excited about reaching this milestone. It's been a tough journey but a great one at the same time, and I know this last half of the program will fly by. We start our internship in January, where I will be seeing clients and getting to start putting into practice all that I have been learning. I know that will help make it more real and interesting and allow me to get to start doing what I hope to do once I am through with school. I interviewed yesterday and was accepted as a student intern at the counseling center I have gone to, and I'm super excited about that! I think it's going to be a great fit for me and I'm really looking forward to getting started in January.
And now on to other topics, such as why I have not put up a blog in many months. For those of you who have been readers for awhile, you know I've never hesitated to share struggles and be fairly real in my postings. However, to be completely honest, many of my blog posts are written after I've already processed my struggle. I don't mind being real about what I was struggling with - but I am not often real about my current struggles. My counselor gave me a homework assignment of writing a blog where I was honest about what I am feeling currently. She told me I didn't have to publish it - she just wanted me to write an honest blog - even in my place of not knowing or arriving at a fully processed moment - and to not sugarcoat anything. So that's what this is. And I decided to post it. (Do I get extra credit for this homework assignment now dear counselor???? ;p) I decided to post it mostly because I don't want to. Which means I probably need to. Because one of my biggest fears is that if people know what's really going on inside of me, they'll walk away and not want anything to do with me anymore. I know in my head that is not true, but I find it hard to believe in my heart. If you do actually take the time to read the rest of this blog, please don't feel compelled to tell me how great and wonderful you think I am for sharing this. Not that I will complain if you do! :) But this blog is for me, not for you. This is a first step of faith in taking a risk and moving forward on the journey towards trusting God again. I hope my honesty allows you to have your own honesty for whatever you might need to have it for. So without further ado, in no particular order, here are honest thoughts, feelings and admissions from my current place in life...
Thoughts on God
It really all starts and ends with God, doesn't it? Which means when you and God aren't on the greatest of terms, life tends to suck more. My journey over the last five years has led me through interesting times with God. Early on after the divorce, I felt exceptionally close to God. In my darkest night, He breathed for me when I didn't care if I breathed again. I know Him in deeper ways. And yet, five years later, I don't really like Him much right now. I don't trust Him. I'm afraid of what He might - or might not - have for me. I know all of the right spiritual answers and biblical truths in my head, but somehow I'm not believing them in my heart. I know God hasn't gone anywhere - I know I'm the one holding Him at arms length. But I am afraid that if I let go, if I surrender, He won't be real. That He will let me down. Or that I'll let Him down. So I keep pushing Him away, knowing life would be a lot better with Him close by but terrified of what that closeness will require. I know He wants everything - He wants my entire life and for me to let go of my illusion of control and trust Him - but even typing that almost makes me feel paralyzed with fear.
Thoughts on a Thyroid
It's been a really crappy three months since surgery in dealing with my hormones. Somehow before surgery I missed it that your thyroid is the primary mood controller/balancer in your body. I'm certainly aware of it now. My medication was too low for the first 8 weeks post-surgery, and I went through serious depression as a result. Horribly not fun. My life requires a lot of energy, and trying to do work and school and everything that goes with it with no energy and no sense of caring about anything? Well it's been a little tough. They increased my dosage about four weeks ago, and my energy level is getting back to normal, which is nice. I feel a little more like myself. However, I am having serious stomach problems, which I think is at least partially due to the higher dosage - I've always been super drug sensitive. Probably due some to stress too. But when the alternatives at this point are to be depressed or have your stomach eat itself, it's kind of annoying. I'm afraid I'm going to struggle with this for the rest of my life and wonder if I made a bad decision on having my thyroid removed. I'm frustrated with not feeling well and not feeling right. I'm tired of this process but know it could keep going for awhile. I have large amounts of hostility and want to hurt people and then will quickly swing to feeling exhausted and wanting to lay on the floor of the food court and take a nap. I feel like someone who is pregnant, except there is no reward at the end. I want God to fix it, to help doctors figure out the right combo and what works for me, and I just want to feel normal!
Thoughts on School
The closer I get to starting my internship, the more excited and more terrified I get. Part of me feels very ready - I have been well trained, I have learned a lot, and I am ready to start actually doing all the stuff I've learned about. And yet I am terrified of failure. I'm afraid that I won't be a good counselor - that someone will come in and I won't be able to help at all. I think I'll be a good counselor, but I want a guarantee. I've never been a huge risk taker. I want to know that I am going to be good at something and that I'll be successful. I'm about to get dumped into a counseling room and real people with real struggles will come in, looking to me to walk with them through their journeys. What do I know? I'm just as afraid of change as they will be and I'm going to be asking them to take risks in their journeys that I'm still struggling to take in my own. I'm afraid that I'll let down the people who think I'm going to be good at this, that I'll disappoint those who believe in me and disappoint myself. I'm super good at administrative tasks because there isn't much risk there. I can do a task, complete it, do it well and move on with success. Counseling is organic. It's artistic and emotional and requires flexibility and creativity, which is how I've been made, but living out of that part of me is risky and scary and terrifying.
Thoughts on People
When it comes to relationships, I didn't realize until perhaps fairly recently how much damage was done when it comes to my willingness to trust others. I trust people to a point, but when it comes to sharing all of myself - struggles, hopes, dreams, fears - the deepest parts of my artist heart that make me me, I tend to hold back. Mostly out of fear that if people see who I really am it won't be good enough for them and they'll leave. I have lived a bit with the mindset of "I'll leave you before you can leave me", but I haven't done this by walking away from people. I have done this by holding people at arms length and only letting them get so close. The problem with this is that we all suffer because relationships and friendships can only go so far when this is the case. I want to be who God has made me to be. I want to be myself - to be snarky if I need to be, to laugh with joyful abandon, to maybe even cry if I need to. But I'm so afraid to let go because I'm afraid if I'm any of those things, someone might walk away. I'm afraid to not be enough, to not meet expectations, to be less than perfect, to be weak or needy. I know I need to just take a risk and give people the benefit of the doubt to respond well. But I cannot imagine actually letting someone see me cry. To be that risky and vulnerable, to let go of control and be that real....it makes my stomach eat itself even more. :)
Thoughts on Life
I have recently come to the realization how afraid I really am that I will spend the rest of my life alone - that I'll never really fit in anywhere, that everyone I know will have a family and I'll be the nice single friend who tags along. I used to think it wouldn't be a big deal if I never married again. And I know I would be okay. But I am admitting out loud that I really do want a family. I would love to be married to a man who loves God and loves his family well. I would love to be a mom. I'm afraid I'll never have that chance. I'm afraid there won't be a guy who would want me, especially this me who doesn't have it all together or have all the answers or isn't okay all the time. I want to be free to just be myself and know someone will love that me and that we can fight without them leaving. I hope that exists, but I'm afraid it never will. I'm afraid that the reality I have now - the struggle to provide for myself, to carry all the financial burdens, to have to open all my own jars that are sometimes impossible to open, to have to kill all the bugs....is the reality that will always be and it's depressing to think that might never change.
And this friends is where I am going to end this post. I don't have a neat little bow to tie this up with - to show the redemption in it. I believe God is in all of this, but I don't have any answers. I know some of what I need to do, and I know what my issues are. I know where I am and I know where I'd like to be, but I'm not sure how to get from point A to point B. I don't like not knowing, I'm not really a fan of feeling all of these emotions, but this is where I am right now. This is where I need to sit. And someday I'll write the post that shows God's redemptive work. But tonight I'm just leaving it be and trusting He loves me right where I am.
And now on to other topics, such as why I have not put up a blog in many months. For those of you who have been readers for awhile, you know I've never hesitated to share struggles and be fairly real in my postings. However, to be completely honest, many of my blog posts are written after I've already processed my struggle. I don't mind being real about what I was struggling with - but I am not often real about my current struggles. My counselor gave me a homework assignment of writing a blog where I was honest about what I am feeling currently. She told me I didn't have to publish it - she just wanted me to write an honest blog - even in my place of not knowing or arriving at a fully processed moment - and to not sugarcoat anything. So that's what this is. And I decided to post it. (Do I get extra credit for this homework assignment now dear counselor???? ;p) I decided to post it mostly because I don't want to. Which means I probably need to. Because one of my biggest fears is that if people know what's really going on inside of me, they'll walk away and not want anything to do with me anymore. I know in my head that is not true, but I find it hard to believe in my heart. If you do actually take the time to read the rest of this blog, please don't feel compelled to tell me how great and wonderful you think I am for sharing this. Not that I will complain if you do! :) But this blog is for me, not for you. This is a first step of faith in taking a risk and moving forward on the journey towards trusting God again. I hope my honesty allows you to have your own honesty for whatever you might need to have it for. So without further ado, in no particular order, here are honest thoughts, feelings and admissions from my current place in life...
Thoughts on God
It really all starts and ends with God, doesn't it? Which means when you and God aren't on the greatest of terms, life tends to suck more. My journey over the last five years has led me through interesting times with God. Early on after the divorce, I felt exceptionally close to God. In my darkest night, He breathed for me when I didn't care if I breathed again. I know Him in deeper ways. And yet, five years later, I don't really like Him much right now. I don't trust Him. I'm afraid of what He might - or might not - have for me. I know all of the right spiritual answers and biblical truths in my head, but somehow I'm not believing them in my heart. I know God hasn't gone anywhere - I know I'm the one holding Him at arms length. But I am afraid that if I let go, if I surrender, He won't be real. That He will let me down. Or that I'll let Him down. So I keep pushing Him away, knowing life would be a lot better with Him close by but terrified of what that closeness will require. I know He wants everything - He wants my entire life and for me to let go of my illusion of control and trust Him - but even typing that almost makes me feel paralyzed with fear.
Thoughts on a Thyroid
It's been a really crappy three months since surgery in dealing with my hormones. Somehow before surgery I missed it that your thyroid is the primary mood controller/balancer in your body. I'm certainly aware of it now. My medication was too low for the first 8 weeks post-surgery, and I went through serious depression as a result. Horribly not fun. My life requires a lot of energy, and trying to do work and school and everything that goes with it with no energy and no sense of caring about anything? Well it's been a little tough. They increased my dosage about four weeks ago, and my energy level is getting back to normal, which is nice. I feel a little more like myself. However, I am having serious stomach problems, which I think is at least partially due to the higher dosage - I've always been super drug sensitive. Probably due some to stress too. But when the alternatives at this point are to be depressed or have your stomach eat itself, it's kind of annoying. I'm afraid I'm going to struggle with this for the rest of my life and wonder if I made a bad decision on having my thyroid removed. I'm frustrated with not feeling well and not feeling right. I'm tired of this process but know it could keep going for awhile. I have large amounts of hostility and want to hurt people and then will quickly swing to feeling exhausted and wanting to lay on the floor of the food court and take a nap. I feel like someone who is pregnant, except there is no reward at the end. I want God to fix it, to help doctors figure out the right combo and what works for me, and I just want to feel normal!
Thoughts on School
The closer I get to starting my internship, the more excited and more terrified I get. Part of me feels very ready - I have been well trained, I have learned a lot, and I am ready to start actually doing all the stuff I've learned about. And yet I am terrified of failure. I'm afraid that I won't be a good counselor - that someone will come in and I won't be able to help at all. I think I'll be a good counselor, but I want a guarantee. I've never been a huge risk taker. I want to know that I am going to be good at something and that I'll be successful. I'm about to get dumped into a counseling room and real people with real struggles will come in, looking to me to walk with them through their journeys. What do I know? I'm just as afraid of change as they will be and I'm going to be asking them to take risks in their journeys that I'm still struggling to take in my own. I'm afraid that I'll let down the people who think I'm going to be good at this, that I'll disappoint those who believe in me and disappoint myself. I'm super good at administrative tasks because there isn't much risk there. I can do a task, complete it, do it well and move on with success. Counseling is organic. It's artistic and emotional and requires flexibility and creativity, which is how I've been made, but living out of that part of me is risky and scary and terrifying.
Thoughts on People
When it comes to relationships, I didn't realize until perhaps fairly recently how much damage was done when it comes to my willingness to trust others. I trust people to a point, but when it comes to sharing all of myself - struggles, hopes, dreams, fears - the deepest parts of my artist heart that make me me, I tend to hold back. Mostly out of fear that if people see who I really am it won't be good enough for them and they'll leave. I have lived a bit with the mindset of "I'll leave you before you can leave me", but I haven't done this by walking away from people. I have done this by holding people at arms length and only letting them get so close. The problem with this is that we all suffer because relationships and friendships can only go so far when this is the case. I want to be who God has made me to be. I want to be myself - to be snarky if I need to be, to laugh with joyful abandon, to maybe even cry if I need to. But I'm so afraid to let go because I'm afraid if I'm any of those things, someone might walk away. I'm afraid to not be enough, to not meet expectations, to be less than perfect, to be weak or needy. I know I need to just take a risk and give people the benefit of the doubt to respond well. But I cannot imagine actually letting someone see me cry. To be that risky and vulnerable, to let go of control and be that real....it makes my stomach eat itself even more. :)
Thoughts on Life
I have recently come to the realization how afraid I really am that I will spend the rest of my life alone - that I'll never really fit in anywhere, that everyone I know will have a family and I'll be the nice single friend who tags along. I used to think it wouldn't be a big deal if I never married again. And I know I would be okay. But I am admitting out loud that I really do want a family. I would love to be married to a man who loves God and loves his family well. I would love to be a mom. I'm afraid I'll never have that chance. I'm afraid there won't be a guy who would want me, especially this me who doesn't have it all together or have all the answers or isn't okay all the time. I want to be free to just be myself and know someone will love that me and that we can fight without them leaving. I hope that exists, but I'm afraid it never will. I'm afraid that the reality I have now - the struggle to provide for myself, to carry all the financial burdens, to have to open all my own jars that are sometimes impossible to open, to have to kill all the bugs....is the reality that will always be and it's depressing to think that might never change.
And this friends is where I am going to end this post. I don't have a neat little bow to tie this up with - to show the redemption in it. I believe God is in all of this, but I don't have any answers. I know some of what I need to do, and I know what my issues are. I know where I am and I know where I'd like to be, but I'm not sure how to get from point A to point B. I don't like not knowing, I'm not really a fan of feeling all of these emotions, but this is where I am right now. This is where I need to sit. And someday I'll write the post that shows God's redemptive work. But tonight I'm just leaving it be and trusting He loves me right where I am.
Wednesday, July 20, 2011
Home From Surgery
Hi everyone! I'm home from the hospital, minus a thyroid, hurtin' every time I swallow but very thankful to have made it through this experience with fairly minimal issues. I was really nervous when I arrived at the hospital early yesterday morning, but everyone was so kind to me and helped keep me calm. I remember being wheeled into the operating room but I don't remember an absolute thing after that until I woke up in recovery. I am super drug sensitive and they had given me a really strong pain med post surgery, so I was really nauseous after waking up and almost threw up twice. It took awhile for the effects of that to wear off, and when it did, I was in a tremendous amount of pain. The issue with this surgery is that they put the breathing tube down your throat while they operate. So the back of your throat hurts from that, but the front of your throat/neck hurts because it's been sliced open and pieces cut out, etc. Combine the two together, and I'll let you imagine how painful it is to swallow. I toughed it out as long as I could because I didn't want to feel sick again, but by 6:30 last night, I couldn't handle it anymore. So I asked for some medication and they gave me vicodin. It worked for the pain, but not so much for me. Remember the super drug sensitive part? Yeah. At midnight they gave me half of a pill to see if that would help the pain but not give such bad side effects as the whole pill did. About 20 minutes later, I was jittery, shaky, my arms and hands were numb and tingly, I was nauseous and I felt like I was floating to the ceiling. Not really a good combination. So I am home from the hospital armed with nothing but extra strength tylenol and attempting to manage my pain with that. To this point, it's going okay. I'm in a pretty good amount of pain, but I'd rather deal with that and feel normal than deal with the side effects of the drugs. I am able to eat whatever I want, and I'm trying to eat softer foods for now as I slowly reintroduce stuff to my stomach.
The surgery went really well and all my levels looked great, which is why I surprisingly got to come home so early today. I'm not complaining as I'm much more comfortable at home, it's much quieter here, and while I can't really lay my head back much, I'm hoping all of that means I'll be able to get more than the 3 hours of sleep I got last night in the hospital. Plus I am now wire and tube free, which is fantastic. So many of you prayed for me, and it truly made a difference. God has been so gracious to me through my first surgery/anesthesia experience, and I'm truly grateful for your support.
When they first took me back to get me prepped for surgery, I was sitting on my little bed waiting for my nurse to come back, and I could hear the nurse talking to the lady in the cubicle next to me. That woman was there to have a double mastectomy because she had cancer in one of her breasts. She was a little bit older and they were having to talk kind of loud for her to hear them, so I could hear what they were saying to her, and it was so heartbreaking. It really put things into perspective for me as I sat there waiting for my own surgery. I know it's okay for me to be nervous and that my surgery was a big deal for me, but here was this woman about to go through something I think every woman dreads, and to be able to hear some of the last conversations before she went to the OR was sobering. Her nurse was so sweet to her, and the lady asked the nurse if they did a lot of surgeries like that at the hospital. The nurse said, "Yes, but that doesn't matter. Today is YOUR surgery day, and we're here to take care of you. This day is about you."
One of the things God has been teaching me repeatedly in these last months through school and life is the importance of listening to other people's stories. No matter the similarities between people, each person's story is unique, and it deserves honor and dignity and the chance to be told and heard. People tell us so much if we'll only stop and listen and pay attention. The nurse yesterday reminded me of that as she dealt with a type of woman that she sees come through the operating room often. But no matter how many women have that same surgery, they're each different and they each deserve to be treated with honor and dignity and respect. So it will be with my clients, and so it is with people in general. I don't know this woman's name, but somewhere tonight is a lady who is having to come to terms with losing both of her breasts, dealing with incredible pain from an invasive surgery, facing cancer and upcoming treatment for that, and not knowing if she'll survive. Pray for her if you will.
And continue to pray for me and my roommate, who had surgery this afternoon. These next few days will be tough as we have to fight through the most painful days of healing in this process. Pray that there will be no complications, healing will occur quickly and with as minimal pain as possible and that we will all be able to get some sleep and have fun together in the process. Thank you for sharing this journey with me - I am truly grateful.
The surgery went really well and all my levels looked great, which is why I surprisingly got to come home so early today. I'm not complaining as I'm much more comfortable at home, it's much quieter here, and while I can't really lay my head back much, I'm hoping all of that means I'll be able to get more than the 3 hours of sleep I got last night in the hospital. Plus I am now wire and tube free, which is fantastic. So many of you prayed for me, and it truly made a difference. God has been so gracious to me through my first surgery/anesthesia experience, and I'm truly grateful for your support.
When they first took me back to get me prepped for surgery, I was sitting on my little bed waiting for my nurse to come back, and I could hear the nurse talking to the lady in the cubicle next to me. That woman was there to have a double mastectomy because she had cancer in one of her breasts. She was a little bit older and they were having to talk kind of loud for her to hear them, so I could hear what they were saying to her, and it was so heartbreaking. It really put things into perspective for me as I sat there waiting for my own surgery. I know it's okay for me to be nervous and that my surgery was a big deal for me, but here was this woman about to go through something I think every woman dreads, and to be able to hear some of the last conversations before she went to the OR was sobering. Her nurse was so sweet to her, and the lady asked the nurse if they did a lot of surgeries like that at the hospital. The nurse said, "Yes, but that doesn't matter. Today is YOUR surgery day, and we're here to take care of you. This day is about you."
One of the things God has been teaching me repeatedly in these last months through school and life is the importance of listening to other people's stories. No matter the similarities between people, each person's story is unique, and it deserves honor and dignity and the chance to be told and heard. People tell us so much if we'll only stop and listen and pay attention. The nurse yesterday reminded me of that as she dealt with a type of woman that she sees come through the operating room often. But no matter how many women have that same surgery, they're each different and they each deserve to be treated with honor and dignity and respect. So it will be with my clients, and so it is with people in general. I don't know this woman's name, but somewhere tonight is a lady who is having to come to terms with losing both of her breasts, dealing with incredible pain from an invasive surgery, facing cancer and upcoming treatment for that, and not knowing if she'll survive. Pray for her if you will.
And continue to pray for me and my roommate, who had surgery this afternoon. These next few days will be tough as we have to fight through the most painful days of healing in this process. Pray that there will be no complications, healing will occur quickly and with as minimal pain as possible and that we will all be able to get some sleep and have fun together in the process. Thank you for sharing this journey with me - I am truly grateful.
Sunday, July 17, 2011
On Having Surgery & Other Musings
On Tuesday of this week, I will be having surgery to have my thyroid removed. In a completely random way, it was discovered that I had a nodule on either side of my thyroid. I have not had any trouble and would never have known that the nodules were there except for a chance exam while it was trying to be determined if I had chronic sinus issues. From the discovery of one of the nodules came an ultrasound, biopsies, and the determination that while it doesn't appear to yet be cancerous, the tissues of the nodules are suspicious and obviously we do not want to leave them there to develop into anything down the road. So I will be having my entire thyroid removed and then will be on medication the rest of my life to provide the necessary hormones.
I'll be honest - I'm getting nervous about all of this. I've never had major surgery and never had anesthesia. I've always been drug sensitive and am afraid I'll have some sort of crazy reaction to the drugs and everything. Obviously I'm praying that will not be the case and that everything will be very routine and as easy as possible, but I'm still not looking forward to any of this. In the midst of the nervousness though is also the assurance that Jesus is with me and that my life is in His hands, whether I'm just living normally or having a surgical procedure done.
I probably think way too much about stuff, but I'm analytical so you'll have to bear with me for a moment. I know the likelihood of me not surviving the surgery or never waking up or having some sort of wacky reaction is very low. But the reality is also that we don't know what will happen. There are no guarantees. Whenever I'm facing something major, I can't help but reevaluate life a bit and realize that for as much as I'd like to think I'm in control, I'm not at all. And that could be scary if I didn't trust that God is in control and has a way bigger plan for my life than I'm probably even aware of. The truth is that He knows the number of my days. If Tuesday were to be my last day on earth, it wouldn't matter if I was in surgery or reading a book in my apartment, that would be it. The other reality is that whenever I have accomplished all that God gave me on this earth to accomplish, I'll be with Him, and I'll be fine. It'll just suck for all of you! :) Seriously, not trying to be maudlin - I'm anticipating everything going just fine, and there are lots of things happening in the coming days that I'm really excited about - but it also helps me to remember who is really in control. In that process, even when dealing with the nervousness, I can be at peace.
I'd appreciate your prayers for me over these next few days. I have to be at the hospital at 6:45am on Tuesday and the surgery is scheduled for 8:45am. It should only take a couple of hours at the most, and then I will most likely be in the hospital for two days while they monitor my levels. There are a few specific things you can pray for: pray that there will be no adverse reactions to the anesthesia or surgery in general. Pray that everything will heal quickly, with as little discomfort as possible. Pray that there will be no damage done to my vocal cords or parathyroid glands. And pray for peace and rest in the next day and a half leading up to the surgery! I'll certainly keep you posted on the healing process...
On a completely different topic, in my last blog I mentioned some of my struggles since returning from Greece. I'm still working through much of that, but things are going well. It's always so funny to me how God uses everything in our lives to teach us what He wants us to learn. Since starting grad school, I've been amazed how often what I'm learning in class is going right along with what I'm doing in my own personal counseling and what is happening in life in general. The same thing continues to happen now. When Nikki and I went to Greece, my mom prayed that the trip would be the start of "relaunching us into society" in all areas of our lives. Let's face it - when you go through traumatic life events, the tendency is to hide and maybe stay on the sidelines a bit as life goes on. But it's time for us to get back in the game in every way, and as hard and scary as that is, it's also very exciting. We are moving to a new place at the end of August and are looking forward to things that are ahead.
In my class that I'm currently in, our professor told us that our clients will work harder to stay in their pathology than they will to change. We all do it - it's easier to stay where you're comfortable and feel safer than it is to put forth the work required for change. However, as a very wise person said, only when we are actively in pain are we willing to change and only in brokenness can strength occur. This will be true of the people who come to see me for counseling, and it is certainly true in my life. I will say that these last 4 1/2 years have been tough, but it's pretty cool to see how God continues to heal and do work, bringing strength from brokenness and a willingness to make some necessary changes out of pain. I'm thankful He loves me that much and I'm looking forward to all that He has in store in the days and weeks to come. I'll continue to keep you updated and appreciate your encouragement, support and prayers over these next few days!
I'll be honest - I'm getting nervous about all of this. I've never had major surgery and never had anesthesia. I've always been drug sensitive and am afraid I'll have some sort of crazy reaction to the drugs and everything. Obviously I'm praying that will not be the case and that everything will be very routine and as easy as possible, but I'm still not looking forward to any of this. In the midst of the nervousness though is also the assurance that Jesus is with me and that my life is in His hands, whether I'm just living normally or having a surgical procedure done.
I probably think way too much about stuff, but I'm analytical so you'll have to bear with me for a moment. I know the likelihood of me not surviving the surgery or never waking up or having some sort of wacky reaction is very low. But the reality is also that we don't know what will happen. There are no guarantees. Whenever I'm facing something major, I can't help but reevaluate life a bit and realize that for as much as I'd like to think I'm in control, I'm not at all. And that could be scary if I didn't trust that God is in control and has a way bigger plan for my life than I'm probably even aware of. The truth is that He knows the number of my days. If Tuesday were to be my last day on earth, it wouldn't matter if I was in surgery or reading a book in my apartment, that would be it. The other reality is that whenever I have accomplished all that God gave me on this earth to accomplish, I'll be with Him, and I'll be fine. It'll just suck for all of you! :) Seriously, not trying to be maudlin - I'm anticipating everything going just fine, and there are lots of things happening in the coming days that I'm really excited about - but it also helps me to remember who is really in control. In that process, even when dealing with the nervousness, I can be at peace.
I'd appreciate your prayers for me over these next few days. I have to be at the hospital at 6:45am on Tuesday and the surgery is scheduled for 8:45am. It should only take a couple of hours at the most, and then I will most likely be in the hospital for two days while they monitor my levels. There are a few specific things you can pray for: pray that there will be no adverse reactions to the anesthesia or surgery in general. Pray that everything will heal quickly, with as little discomfort as possible. Pray that there will be no damage done to my vocal cords or parathyroid glands. And pray for peace and rest in the next day and a half leading up to the surgery! I'll certainly keep you posted on the healing process...
On a completely different topic, in my last blog I mentioned some of my struggles since returning from Greece. I'm still working through much of that, but things are going well. It's always so funny to me how God uses everything in our lives to teach us what He wants us to learn. Since starting grad school, I've been amazed how often what I'm learning in class is going right along with what I'm doing in my own personal counseling and what is happening in life in general. The same thing continues to happen now. When Nikki and I went to Greece, my mom prayed that the trip would be the start of "relaunching us into society" in all areas of our lives. Let's face it - when you go through traumatic life events, the tendency is to hide and maybe stay on the sidelines a bit as life goes on. But it's time for us to get back in the game in every way, and as hard and scary as that is, it's also very exciting. We are moving to a new place at the end of August and are looking forward to things that are ahead.
In my class that I'm currently in, our professor told us that our clients will work harder to stay in their pathology than they will to change. We all do it - it's easier to stay where you're comfortable and feel safer than it is to put forth the work required for change. However, as a very wise person said, only when we are actively in pain are we willing to change and only in brokenness can strength occur. This will be true of the people who come to see me for counseling, and it is certainly true in my life. I will say that these last 4 1/2 years have been tough, but it's pretty cool to see how God continues to heal and do work, bringing strength from brokenness and a willingness to make some necessary changes out of pain. I'm thankful He loves me that much and I'm looking forward to all that He has in store in the days and weeks to come. I'll continue to keep you updated and appreciate your encouragement, support and prayers over these next few days!
Saturday, July 2, 2011
Thoughts On Life
So today started out as any normal Saturday would - I got up to go to work. At some point around 10:30, Macy's called our store and placed an order to be delivered to their store. We had plenty of people in the store, so I decided to take their food to them. As I was walking back to the Chick, I decided to call my mom and say hello. I don't really know why, but I did. She answered the phone in a very hushed voice and proceeded to tell me that she was in the ER with my dad and he'd had a heart attack and she'd been about to text us all to let us know what was going on.
There are moments in life where time stands still, just for a second, before reality rushes back in. And it's when time stops that things focus and crystallize and sharpen for the briefest of seconds in such a way that it takes your breath away. What matters most to us? Where do we place our trust? When time stops, you have your answer. However, when we're in the midst of the routine and mundane, we so often forget what matters most and live our lives in such a way that no one would ever know what's important to us. More on that in a moment.
For now, I am happy to report that my dad is stable and doing well. My mom found him in the bathroom not feeling well and took him right to the ER, where they were able to get tests run and treatment done immediately. They did the balloon thing and placed a stent in his artery, which cleared the blockage, allowed the blood flow to return to all parts of the heart and the damage done during the heart attack to be reversed. Pa is currently in the ICU for the evening just to be safe, but should be transferred to a normal room tomorrow and leave the hospital on Monday at the latest. He'll be on meds and have some diet and exercise instructions, but he should be fine. I am completely grateful.
When I got off the phone with my mom, I sat on a bench in the middle of the mall and tried not to panic or have a total meltdown. There were a few things I knew for sure - I was 11 hours away from my parents and could do nothing but wait, I had to trust God to take care of my dad and trust that He was in total control, and I didn't want anything to happen to my dad. I've been a daddy's girl my entire life and my dad is one of my most favorite people ever. Even the thought of him not being around made it difficult to stand up and go back to work (and thanks for my work caring enough to send me home on a busy Saturday so I could concentrate on my family!). For those of you who know my dad, you know what a fantastic man he is and how much he brightens the lives of those around him. I can't express my thankfulness that his time with us isn't done yet.
I would like to take a moment and say thank you to all of you who have responded so kindly to me and my family today, offering your support and prayers. It means a lot to know that there are so many who care and that we're not alone walking through the stuff of life. And it is on that note that I want to focus the rest of this blog. I am completely exhausted and not really filtering my words, so keep reading at your own risk as I seek to process some of the thoughts that have been rolling around in my head.
I have been home from Greece for a week-and-a-half. I had an incredible time there and truly loved all of the adventures and experiences that I got to have. That's a post for another day (but I have included a few pictures to help break up all the words!), but what I want to talk about now is how difficult it has been to come back from Greece and deal with reentry. I never in a million years thought I would have as much trouble adjusting back to US culture as I have, but it's been really tough for me. I know that when you go on vacation or are away from home, you're not necessarily living a normal life of working and such, but the culture in Greece is different than here. Life is simpler and there is more of a focus on connectedness and community. Even meals are eaten that way - you get several dishes and pass them around the table and everyone shares. And I loved it. Getting outside of what is comfortable and known and slowing down and just enjoying spending time with some awesome people gave me a bit of clarity on what I have been missing out on here.
How often in our normal days do we pause and truly connect with others? Or are we so busy rushing through what has to get done that we don't have time for that? Is it normal to pray for other people? We tell people we'll pray for them, but do we really? Do we call someone to check on them or take a moment to offer an encouraging word, just because? How often do we gather together and just enjoy hanging out, with no real agenda? How often do we ask for help in a time of need without feeling guilty for putting someone else out? Do we even ask for help or admit we're struggling or do we just take care of things ourselves? I am afraid that the culture we have grown accustomed to here has gotten in the way of real life. In America, our culture applauds individuality and independence and climbing the ladder and moving forward. And not that those things are bad in and of themselves, but when we miss true life - the abundant life God has made us for, especially on a relational level - we're missing the point.
I understand that we do live in America and we have to work to live and all that jazz. But just ponder this for at least a moment....is our lifestyle and culture worth it if we are missing out on deep relationships and community and knowing others and being known? Is driving whatever car worth it if you don't know your neighbor? I don't claim to have all the answers or even know how I'm going to go about resolving this in my own life. But I do know this....I tasted community and connectedness and simplicity in Greece, and it was awesome. I felt like the time I spent there was closer to how I was created to be and I was reminded of the importance of sharing life with others. Is my life insane and crazy busy as I try to work full-time and go to school full-time? Yes. Am I determined to figure out how to live my life more connected and in more community with others even in the midst of that? Yes. Not sure what it will look like yet, but I'll get back to you!
Today crystallized all of these ponderings for me. When time stopped for a moment, I knew two things: Jesus was with me, and I had people I could call. I know we can't live our whole lives in the heightened awareness that comes when time stands still, but I do know this: I don't want to miss the best of what God has made me for because I'm so busy with "life" that I have no time for life.
If you've made it this far, thanks for reading my musing rant. I'm sure there will be more processing to come as I continue to wrestle with all that comes from adjusting back to life here. Feel free to leave your own thoughts in the comments. Thanks again for praying for my family during this time - I will keep you posted! Happy 4th of July!
There are moments in life where time stands still, just for a second, before reality rushes back in. And it's when time stops that things focus and crystallize and sharpen for the briefest of seconds in such a way that it takes your breath away. What matters most to us? Where do we place our trust? When time stops, you have your answer. However, when we're in the midst of the routine and mundane, we so often forget what matters most and live our lives in such a way that no one would ever know what's important to us. More on that in a moment.
For now, I am happy to report that my dad is stable and doing well. My mom found him in the bathroom not feeling well and took him right to the ER, where they were able to get tests run and treatment done immediately. They did the balloon thing and placed a stent in his artery, which cleared the blockage, allowed the blood flow to return to all parts of the heart and the damage done during the heart attack to be reversed. Pa is currently in the ICU for the evening just to be safe, but should be transferred to a normal room tomorrow and leave the hospital on Monday at the latest. He'll be on meds and have some diet and exercise instructions, but he should be fine. I am completely grateful.
When I got off the phone with my mom, I sat on a bench in the middle of the mall and tried not to panic or have a total meltdown. There were a few things I knew for sure - I was 11 hours away from my parents and could do nothing but wait, I had to trust God to take care of my dad and trust that He was in total control, and I didn't want anything to happen to my dad. I've been a daddy's girl my entire life and my dad is one of my most favorite people ever. Even the thought of him not being around made it difficult to stand up and go back to work (and thanks for my work caring enough to send me home on a busy Saturday so I could concentrate on my family!). For those of you who know my dad, you know what a fantastic man he is and how much he brightens the lives of those around him. I can't express my thankfulness that his time with us isn't done yet.
I would like to take a moment and say thank you to all of you who have responded so kindly to me and my family today, offering your support and prayers. It means a lot to know that there are so many who care and that we're not alone walking through the stuff of life. And it is on that note that I want to focus the rest of this blog. I am completely exhausted and not really filtering my words, so keep reading at your own risk as I seek to process some of the thoughts that have been rolling around in my head.
I have been home from Greece for a week-and-a-half. I had an incredible time there and truly loved all of the adventures and experiences that I got to have. That's a post for another day (but I have included a few pictures to help break up all the words!), but what I want to talk about now is how difficult it has been to come back from Greece and deal with reentry. I never in a million years thought I would have as much trouble adjusting back to US culture as I have, but it's been really tough for me. I know that when you go on vacation or are away from home, you're not necessarily living a normal life of working and such, but the culture in Greece is different than here. Life is simpler and there is more of a focus on connectedness and community. Even meals are eaten that way - you get several dishes and pass them around the table and everyone shares. And I loved it. Getting outside of what is comfortable and known and slowing down and just enjoying spending time with some awesome people gave me a bit of clarity on what I have been missing out on here.
How often in our normal days do we pause and truly connect with others? Or are we so busy rushing through what has to get done that we don't have time for that? Is it normal to pray for other people? We tell people we'll pray for them, but do we really? Do we call someone to check on them or take a moment to offer an encouraging word, just because? How often do we gather together and just enjoy hanging out, with no real agenda? How often do we ask for help in a time of need without feeling guilty for putting someone else out? Do we even ask for help or admit we're struggling or do we just take care of things ourselves? I am afraid that the culture we have grown accustomed to here has gotten in the way of real life. In America, our culture applauds individuality and independence and climbing the ladder and moving forward. And not that those things are bad in and of themselves, but when we miss true life - the abundant life God has made us for, especially on a relational level - we're missing the point.
I understand that we do live in America and we have to work to live and all that jazz. But just ponder this for at least a moment....is our lifestyle and culture worth it if we are missing out on deep relationships and community and knowing others and being known? Is driving whatever car worth it if you don't know your neighbor? I don't claim to have all the answers or even know how I'm going to go about resolving this in my own life. But I do know this....I tasted community and connectedness and simplicity in Greece, and it was awesome. I felt like the time I spent there was closer to how I was created to be and I was reminded of the importance of sharing life with others. Is my life insane and crazy busy as I try to work full-time and go to school full-time? Yes. Am I determined to figure out how to live my life more connected and in more community with others even in the midst of that? Yes. Not sure what it will look like yet, but I'll get back to you!
Today crystallized all of these ponderings for me. When time stopped for a moment, I knew two things: Jesus was with me, and I had people I could call. I know we can't live our whole lives in the heightened awareness that comes when time stands still, but I do know this: I don't want to miss the best of what God has made me for because I'm so busy with "life" that I have no time for life.
If you've made it this far, thanks for reading my musing rant. I'm sure there will be more processing to come as I continue to wrestle with all that comes from adjusting back to life here. Feel free to leave your own thoughts in the comments. Thanks again for praying for my family during this time - I will keep you posted! Happy 4th of July!
Thursday, June 16, 2011
Andros and a Nunnery
Greetings from Greece! It's been a crazy couple of days, but I wanted to share a few pictures with you of some things we have gotten to do the last few days. There are so many beautiful sights here, and we are having so much fun! A couple of days ago we got to go to the island of Andros. It was a lot of fun! We went into the city and walked around some cool shops. Nikki and I also had an adventure. There was an old lighthouse that was really pretty but to get to it, you had to climb an old stone bridge. We had some help, and the views were worth it.
After lunch, we got to go to a beach and swim and snorkel in the Aegean Sea. The water was FREEZING cold, but getting to say I was in the Aegean Sea made it worth it. In order to get warm, we had some fun taking pictures. Here are two of my friends jumping around!
We were at the Batsi Beach and were leaving at sunset. These next two pictures I took at dusk and it give you a good idea of how beautiful the area was.
Today we went into Athens to go shopping. For those of you who have asked, the protests in Athens have affected us indirectly. The Greeks keep going on strike, and they have days where they strike different things. Yesterday there was a transportation strike, so we couldn't get into the city on the bus system because they weren't running. Typically, Greeks do not strike two days in a row, so today we got to go into Athens. We have heard rumors that there is going to be an electricity strike on Monday, so that could be interesting. It shouldn't affect us leaving on Wednesday and the protests are not causing problems for us directly. It just causes us to sometimes have to come up with creative solutions to get around depending on what they do.
After shopping this morning, we had lunch at a delicious restaurant in downtown Athens and then came back to the Bible college for a little while before going to visit a nunnery. Everyone in Greece is Greek Orthodox, so seeing an active and working nunnery was interesting. It was beautiful, and I was able to get some good pictures before we got yelled at for doing so. Here is a sample for you!
Inside of the church, there are icons that surround the entire thing that tell the story of the Bible in pictures. It ends at the top of the ceiling with Jesus in heaven. Here is a picture of that.
Finally, here is a picture of a pretty area that was outside and of me and Nikki in our long dresses.
Tomorrow we are going to Corinth, and I am SOOO excited!! We get to see lots of historical stuff and swim in the Ionian Sea. Pictures and updates to come soon on our continuing adventures. Class is finished, so everything that is left is getting to sightsee, which will be very cool. We are having a blast, and I am so thankful that I am getting to share this trip with Nikki and some of the most awesome people! Happy Thursday! :)
After lunch, we got to go to a beach and swim and snorkel in the Aegean Sea. The water was FREEZING cold, but getting to say I was in the Aegean Sea made it worth it. In order to get warm, we had some fun taking pictures. Here are two of my friends jumping around!
We were at the Batsi Beach and were leaving at sunset. These next two pictures I took at dusk and it give you a good idea of how beautiful the area was.
Today we went into Athens to go shopping. For those of you who have asked, the protests in Athens have affected us indirectly. The Greeks keep going on strike, and they have days where they strike different things. Yesterday there was a transportation strike, so we couldn't get into the city on the bus system because they weren't running. Typically, Greeks do not strike two days in a row, so today we got to go into Athens. We have heard rumors that there is going to be an electricity strike on Monday, so that could be interesting. It shouldn't affect us leaving on Wednesday and the protests are not causing problems for us directly. It just causes us to sometimes have to come up with creative solutions to get around depending on what they do.
After shopping this morning, we had lunch at a delicious restaurant in downtown Athens and then came back to the Bible college for a little while before going to visit a nunnery. Everyone in Greece is Greek Orthodox, so seeing an active and working nunnery was interesting. It was beautiful, and I was able to get some good pictures before we got yelled at for doing so. Here is a sample for you!
Inside of the church, there are icons that surround the entire thing that tell the story of the Bible in pictures. It ends at the top of the ceiling with Jesus in heaven. Here is a picture of that.
Finally, here is a picture of a pretty area that was outside and of me and Nikki in our long dresses.
Tomorrow we are going to Corinth, and I am SOOO excited!! We get to see lots of historical stuff and swim in the Ionian Sea. Pictures and updates to come soon on our continuing adventures. Class is finished, so everything that is left is getting to sightsee, which will be very cool. We are having a blast, and I am so thankful that I am getting to share this trip with Nikki and some of the most awesome people! Happy Thursday! :)
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